Round 3: Slow and Steady Better Be Winning This Race

Today is Day #13 and I'm struggling to keep my head screwed on...and I'm not even back at the hospital! I'm in my warm bed in my dark room with a loudly purring cat and a way too heavy brain. Spencer's numbers stillllll haven't dropped yet!! They were at 400 yesterday. 400! When they finally DO bottom out, how the Hell long with it take them to come back up?? Why is it taking so damn long this time?? Even the doctors said it is slow going. The longest we've been in the hospital in a row is 23 days. I fear we're going to see that come and go this round.

On Friday, we moved from Seidman back to Rainbow. Yes, it's older and smaller and not as fancy pants but I felt better going back. It's cozy. And the kids belong there. But before we moved, Spencer had what I always refer to as an "ass explosion"...but usually I'm talking about Sully. I put him in the crib to take a shower and when I opened the bathroom door, the room...oh boy, there was such a smell. His crib was covered in poo. Crib, toys, bedding, wall, floor...he was just stuck in the middle of a disaster. I didn't even know where to begin remedying this situation. I would've laughed if it wasn't so overwhelming.

So it turns out Spencer has C-Diff again. Just a reminder that this is the most common cause of diarrhea in the hospital. We all have C-Diff in out GI tract but being in the hospital upsets your natural flora and boom, ass explosion. It's most common in the immuno-compromised and the elderly. It's not great for Spence because we don't want him dehydrated. Luckily, he only has that one explosion and his antibiotics (which are both a cause and cure of C-Diff) will only be for a week rather than weeks and weeks like last time.

They've cut his fluids in half over night. This is probably for one of two reasons (I wasn't there when the call was made). Either he's drinking well enough to not need so much hydration or they think he's getting too full from the fluids and are trying to help his appetite. Either way, it's less time hooked up and more freedom. Though because of the C-Diff, he can't leave his room. Not that we're very social there anyway.

I'm not going to lie, and this really isn't news, but I hate being there. Besides any sweet moments I share with Spencer, I'm flat out miserable. I want our life back. I cried the entire way home on Saturday and then some, even though I was beyond thrilled to see Porkchop. He's getting so big and blowing milestones out of the water and I'm missing it (speaking of milestones, Spencer is making great strides according to Speech Therapy, adding Baby and Itsy Bitsy to his vocab and signing both More and Eat).

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I tried to make the best of not having my babies together. My dad came over early and the laundry room is officially done! And ANAZING. Then my niece and I went and bought new jammies for Spencer who is getting longer...his little belly is always hanging out at the hospital...and summer clothes for my lonnnnnnnng and solid baby boy. Then we stuffed our faces at the Melting Pot and got plants/flowers/patio chairs for the yard. Tradition. 

Sully made me a craft as Spencer did last year and I got a really beautiful note from Todd (along with some Blue Moon and a few Mother's Day raps, but that's another story). I also received some really sweet messages on Facebook that warmed my cold, black heart. Messages like these make you think you're actually doing an OK job and not failing as miserably as you feel. I've always tried to be honest about my family's current situation. I don't sugar-coat it and then I worry that I'm behaving selfishly or weakly sometimes, but I guess I'm doing OK! The people that matter to me think so anyway.

And the people who matter most are Spencer and Sullivan. I love them more than anything and anyone. They are the loves of my life, hands down. For whatever reason, I was lucky enough to be their mom. I wouldn't get to celebrate Mother's Day without them. And every day that I'm with them, I say, "I love you...every day of your life". If I'm not with them, I think it. They are what matters. They are my world and my purpose and as the corny saying goes, they are the only people who know what my heartbeat sounds like from the inside.

The only downside besides being short one son and a husband was that my baby seems to be sick. He was fussy for my parents at night while sleeping at their house and has some alienesque green slime pouring out of his face. He's sluggish and out of sorts. Hoping its related to teething and not something worse. He had a rough night and I'm hoping to stay with him today unless he drastically improves. Not because its one more night away from the hospital but I feel guilty enough missing so much Sully time...he needs his mom when he's sick.

As a really vain and unimportant closing, I'm down 7.5 pounds which is surprising as I felt sort if dumpy this week. I haven't gotten to run and I MISS IT. Haven't even gotten to walk because its cold (thank you, Ohio for being freezing during my free time) and I don't want to subject my little sicko to the elements. I have 2 months to meet my goal of losing 20 pounds and it seems more than doable if I keep being smart.

Anyway, if you have free fingers, keep them crossed that Spencer's drop and recovery speed up. I need my family to be together at home. It's no longer a want. It's a NEED. And I NEED to go get Sully out if his crib. My Buddha is singing for me!!!

Round 3: Another Punch In The Gut and a String Of Long Days

The doctors told Todd on Saturday that Spencer can not recover at home. He has to stay in the hospital while his numbers drop and recover. I knew this was most likely how it was going to go so I'm not sure why I talked myself into anything else. I got my hopes up and they were crushed. I'm not one of those people that believe in PMA anymore. It never works for me. I delegate the PMA to Phoebe. She has to be hopeful on my behalf until I feel less defeated.

Today is day #8 and his ANC is about 750. It has to hit rock bottom and then come back up (recover) to about 220 before they'll let us go home. I'm predicting, in my capacity as a doctor, another 2 weeks.

I'm also predicting a lot of tears cause I'm going batshit crazy here. I miss having my sons together, I miss my husband, I miss my house, real food, running (bet you never thought you'd hear me say that, am I right?). School is out for a few weeks so I don't have homework and studying to keep me busy. I finished my finals yesterday, thanks to a lot of extra support from my parents. I've already read 2 of the Game Of Thrones books for a whopping total of 1,504 pages. I play with Spencer a lot but he's also tired and very independent. He likes to do his own thing while having you close by...so the time is harder to fill and the days are long. I've watched Wreck-It Ralph 3.5 times in 2 days.

They days also looks beautiful and sunny through our window which doesn't help.

I would never survive in jail cause this place is like a palace and I feel trapped.

One thing that's killing me especially slowly is Mother's Day. Some people say it's just a day but I had a GREAT Mother's Day last year. Fantastic Todd set the bar high. And this year, I won't even have both of my babies together. Not that I won't have an amazing day with Sully. It just won't be the same, waking up without Spencer and Todd there. I guess I should be grateful that I'll be at home and not here. Any little break makes such a difference. Even the one extra night I got to sleep in my bed this week was a blessing. But I woke up under my black rain cloud today. Kicking rocks and crossing my arms in a huff.

I've always counted us so lucky that Spencer doesn't behave like a sick kid, never has. He's just his same old sweet, adorable little guy, even if he does throw up here and there and can't get too far since he's hooked up to the IV at times. But this round is knocking his socks off a bit. The actual chemo stopped running on Sunday but he's wiped out. Lots and lots of lonnnnnng naps. And lots of time in mom's lap. It's hard to see my active little guy so beat. We're all beat. AN being beat makes us beat up on each other. And while I may see Sully on the weekends (which is NEVER enough time), I NEVER see Todd. He said yesterday that it hurts and it's true.

But once we get home, we're half way done. There WILL be an end to all of this!

That's basically the scoop. Things have been a little on the boring side this round as far as actual medical events. But boring is good. The PICC line has been working like a dream, there is no evidence of abnormal cells in his bone marrow or spinal fluid, and he hasn't had any fevers. A fever is what will keep us here longer than we need to be and my brain doesn't need to be here ANY LONGER. I'm already planning a type of Pool Party/Open House for when he's home for his next break. I want to celebrate "half way done".

Outside of hospital life, and life with my little red headed Porkchop (who I screwed AGAIN by not posting about his 7 month birthday), I guess I'd say I'm a little boring. I did get out to see Jimbo and Joe's last gig with Lords of the Highway. And there are some fun events like the Slick Devils car show at the drive-in coming up. But nothing will be as fun as when he's out of the joint. I can't say that enough.

20 Weeks: Passing the Half Way Mark To Sullivan

Quick note: my awesome Mother's Day ended on an even more awesome note than expected. Spencer came to join me in bed for Bob's Burgers and fell asleep with his hand on my cheek as I sang him Twinkle Twinkle/The Alphabet Song. It was perfection! And I woke up to a note that said, "Only 364 days until Mother's Day!".

Today I am 20 weeks along in my pregnancy and I can't really believe it. I felt like I was pregnant for an eternity with Spencer but this time...warp speed ahead! Sullivan is the size of a mango today (approximately 6.5 inches and 10 ounces, according to the goofy pregnancy apps I have) and has eyebrows and eyelids (soooooo creepy to think of him without them like some sort of fish). He's also moving a lot more which makes me happy. I KNOW I shouldn't compare pregnancies, but Spencer was such a wiggle worm that I was waiting and waiting for Sully to get moving. WELL...he's MOVING!

And he likes cake. He did some major acrobatics after I had a slice...or two.

A fun fact is that I'm not at the half way point today, I'm beyond it! Only 19 weeks to go until my scheduled C-Section!! While I'm super pumped for Sullivan to get here and complete our little family, I also know how much needs to be done before then. Two major bullet points are our home projects and Spencer's birthday party. There's so much to be done that if I think about it too much, my eyeballs try to escape from my head, dragging my brain along.

One plus is that I think we decided what to do with the new nursery. We think Sully's room is going to be animal themed. It'll be jungle colors (greens, browns, tans, animal prints) but won't be limited to jungle animals. I've seen lots of cool artwork recently featuring animals, specifically an awesome fox online and an owl at Target, plus I have an awesome print from Phoebe with a Slow Loris and bat. The 2 nurseries will be polar opposites since the Spencer Dome is all decked out Sci-Fi style. I feel good about it.

I also feel good about a trip to Ikea Tessa and I are planning to look for nursery furniture.

Spencer has his 9 month appointment at the Pediatrician this afternoon. I think this means vaccines but I can't be sure. I'm looking forward to hearing his height and weight though I'm not sure how much he will have grown in the 2 weeks since he saw the specialist. After this...no appointments until a week from Friday!!! HOORAY!!

Enjoy your Monday.

Spoiled Rotten & Not Complaining: A Perfect 1st Mother's Day

Before I start rambling about my Sunday adventure, let me say HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all the moms/mommys/mamas in my life, family and friends. I hope your day was as great as mine has been. Especially my mom who is in California on vacation and has been hiking on top of some mountain which is baffling. Happy Mother's Day, mom!

Today we celebrated my very 1st Mother's Day and I can honestly say I can't imagine it being any better.

This might be more pictures than blather...so you may enjoy it more!

I woke up early to an empty bed so I went to the Spencer Dome and scooped up my son, the dude who I couldn't be a mother without, and brought him into my bed for a little snuggle session. The next thing I know, Todd appears with blueberry crepes for breakfast in bed!! A gal could get used to that! Dr. Nightmare joined us and it was a nice moment having everyone piled together. I felt content. *Breakfast picture care of Chef Todd who got up at 5:30am to pick up my meal from Bob Evans, ha!

After I fueled up for the day, I fed my son and just relaxed. for awhile, enjoying having this sweet little dude in my arms. I sometimes still can't believe I'm someones mother, let alone the mother of such an unbelievably awesome little fella. I'm truly glad that things worked out in my life the way they did and I have had the opportunity to be a mom. It's been the coolest part of my life for sure.

The morning passed by with cartoons, a movie (Snatch, the perfect Mother's Day flick), and a quick pit stop at my sister's. Then we were off to lunch at The Melting Pot, one of my favorite restaurants for special occasions. It's the kind of place you go when you're Hell bent on stuffing your face to the max. I got a fancy non-alcoholic beverage (gotta keep Sully growing big and strong), we ordered our feast, and then I got to open my gift!! A gift I had been excited for ever since I discovered red paint in between 2 of Spencer's fingers last week...hmmmm.

The card read: Happy Mother's Day. Spencer is the luckiest boy to have an ace in his corner. We love you very much. Love, me, Spencer & Sully. That made me misty-eyed but the gift was the REAL kicker. A framed craft from Spencer that said I Heart U and the heart had been made by his BUTT CHEEKS (of which he has very little)! I still can't stop laughing about it. The "U" was also made by the side of his hand but  he kept wriggling. A butt cheek heart...only Todd would think of it, I swear!

Of course we stuffed ourselves silly and Spencer was the perfect gentleman the whole time.

My Mother's Day continued as I got to blow a little dough on Spencer and Sullivan, scoring them some new duds. Not that they need any more clothes, as I discovered yesterday! Spencer wore so many things once or not at all that Sully is pretty much set! But still...he needs to get some things that are just his. It makes me feel good to buy him little treats. And clearly Spencer needed new shark flip-flops, even if they don't fit just yet!

We headed to a Greenhouse for the next part of my gift, flowers for around the front door. Our yard is a lot of trees and greenery which is fine but I wanted some color in my life! So I picked out plants...a Todd plant, Spencer plant, and Sullivan plant...and as soon as we got home, Todd set to work squaring things away. I can't wait to pull in from work tomorrow and see them! But I hope we don't kill the poor suckers. I've never had much of a green thumb despite my desire for lots of plants and a garden. I'm a murderer that way. Mulch is up next...can you kill mulch?

 

While I played on the floor with Spencer, Todd said he had one more surprise to wrap up the day (he WAS going to watch Breaking Dawn with me but just couldn't bring himself to do it, DRAT). It was a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting...I had jokingly requested that yesterday when he asked what I wanted for Mother's Day breakfast. I plan on bringing my evening to a close with cake and milk-on-ice in bed.

These two got a jump start on the snoozing! They worked hard to make it a great day and deserve naps!

For the sake of posterity, LAST Mother's Day, I looked like this:

And for added posterity, THIS Mother's Day, I look like THIS:

But NEXT Mother's Day, I plan to look like this...with 2 beautiful boys running amuck!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!! If your day was a fraction as good as mine was, you're in good shape. A gigantic cyber THANK YOU to my husband. I would've been happy doing whatever, doing nothing, as long as I was with him and my son (and my little acrobat in utero, who made his presence know during the day), but he really made it a super great day that I will never forget. His effort did not go unnoticed. But I don't need to be celebrated for being a mom. I chose to be one and because of my choice, it's my JOB to take care of my kids and my family. But it's still nice to hear you're doing OK and that the people you care about most appreciate you.

Mother's Day may become my favorite day of the year. It reminded me how lucky I really am.