Monday, February 25, 2013

Team SULLIVAN: Day 10 - 12


Saturday started off scary. I seriously almost lost my shit. Sorry, there's no other way to adequately say that. I was feeding Spencer and noticed a spot on his shirt. I thought maybe he had spit out food when I wasn't looking or threw up at night. I checked his sheets for any signs of a night time explosion and my heart stopped. It came to me. I rushed over to him and lifted up his shirt and his chest was covered in blood from his central line. I called the nurse and started to panic.

She took off the blood-soaked dressing and while it didn't look like the line had been pulled out any (it wasn't hooked up to anything, the plugs were just dangling), he may have been playing with it and popped a stitch. The large amount of blood was probably due to his platelets being so low. But of course, nothing could be confirmed without an X-Ray...besides my freaking out. That was confirmed by the water dropping out of my eyeballs. Crying at the hospital for the second time.

After 2 X-Rays, the doctors decided that the line had moved just a smidgen. It's in a safe place for fluids and meds but may need to be moved back for his next round of chemo. So the bottom line was that it was "OK for now". When he has his next bone marrow biopsy on March 15th, they'll rethread it then. It's not another surgery and should be an easy fix. But the excitement did not end there, sadly.

I noticed a spot on his back so I brought it up to the doctors who sent Dermatology up to see us. The resident who looked at it was on the fence about whether or not it was a bruise or something more. He said that the worst case scenario would be that they would have to biopsy it. I was supposed to go home to Sully! I couldn't leave Spence if he as going to have another procedure. Why NOW??? But Todd booted me out the door (after making me sit and's not easy to feed myself all the time here, I forget a lot honestly). So off I went and luckily, it is believed the spot was just an odd bruise that they would watch (it has already faded).

I got home and my house was spotless thanks to my sister. Even the laundry as done. Sisters are cool. She encouraged me to shower, again, a gift to everyone, and then it was just me and my baby!!!! Oh, and a boatload of A&P and Inorganic Chem since 2 exams were due on Monday. I swear Sully was bigger and smarter and had changed so much. I rarely put him down. His smile and laugh and new obsession with doing raspberries cracked me up. There was some good food, some bad TV, and some major cuddling in my own bed. I felt like I was at a damn hotel!!! I never wanted to go back the hospital. I know that sounds awful but it's true.


There wasn't much to Sunday and it was perfect! I woke up next to a very handsome redhead who was so happy to see me and my heart melted. He turned 5 months old that day (I'll celebrate that in another post). We went to hang out with my dad who made me an awesome chicken lunch. Real food. Finally. I went home and alternated between studying and playing with my baby. That's how we wasted the day away. It's how I want to waste every day. We crawled in bed to watch the Oscars with a piece of Godiva flourless chocolate cheesecake and only then did I start stressing about going back to the hospital. Tears. Lots of hugging and sniffing my baby. An angry, stiffening feeling was settling in. But overall, like I said, it was a simple, wonderful weekend. I was more appreciative for my family and home than ever.


Saying goodbye to Sully was painful. I had to make it quick or I would've just cracked. I got through my exams but it wasn't my best work. I was overwhelmed and unfocused. This isn't an excuse, it's just the truth. I just didn't want to come back to the hospital. Dreaded it. Panicked. But I was glad to see Spencer and Todd when I got here...and felt very alone when he left, and jealous. I LOVE Spencer but living out of a hospital room under these circumstances can crush a person. I'm jealous that Todd gets to work, be with Sully, cook food, sleep in our bed...all things I was taking for granted. Knowing I won't get to see Sully for another 6 days is tearing me apart.

How am I going to survive the next round when it's going to keep us here a month?? Why am I having such a hard time keeping it together? Spencer is a damn TROOPER but I'm struggling. I could put on a brave face and just smile through it but that would make me a liar. I don't have it in me to pretend I'm someone I'm not. I can't do anything extra.


  1. oh gosh, when you ask "why am i having such a hard time keeping it together?" i just want to tell you that you're human. you're not a machine. you can't pretend that this isn't crushing you. my gosh, anytime i read your updates i think of how strong you are. and strong doesn't mean perfect.

    someday, some other mom might be in your place. and maybe she'll stumble upon this blog (or maybe you'll write a book!) and she'll be able to see that someone else went through this, and it was devastating, but that it's ok to feel afraid and confused at times.

  2. your an inspiration to all mothers out there. we are rooting for you. crying with you. cheering with you. praying for some brighter days for you. keep your head up and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. you WILL get through this and you will be a stronger person/mother/wife when its all said and done. all the feelings you are experiencing right now are expected, normal and never EVER should cause you to feel guilt or self doubt. you are a human with a heart, a mother's heart. remember that. :)