Friday, February 21, 2014

Overwhelmed: The Best, If Not Most Boring, Word To Sum Things Up

Yes world, I am 35. 35 and overwhelmed.

I don't mind the being 35 part. My 30s, though chock full of insanity, have actually been more fulfilling than my 20s. I celebrated turning 35 how I wanted to. Had dinner with my parents, Todd, and the kids on the actual day and then had an awesome time at karaoke with friends on the weekend. It was the first time Todd and I went out without the kids for something other than a wedding in a looooooong time. People drank, people sang (I rapped...Paul was awesome and exhausting), people danced. It was exactly what I spend time with people who wanted to have a good time. Success. Welcome to 35.

Post-birthday, everything became wedding-centric. I took my Matron-Of-Honor (or Iron Maiden-Of-Honor, as I chose to call myself) duties very seriously. Lisa could've chosen anyone but she picked me. That's the honor part. I was honored. So I did my best to make it a good experience for her, like my MOH did for me. It was a lot of work but it was so worth it. Maybe I did miss my calling. I loved all the extra time I got to spend with The Bride (I capitalize it as if we're watching Kill Bill). The night she arrived, we dropped our dressed off to be steamed and had dinner...and delicious Mai the venue. The next day, after all of Spencer's appointments, we had a Girls Night Out with some special guest stars. Dinner at Wasabi and tropical drinks at Porco and lots of gossip and reminiscing and chatter. And yes, I made her wear a veil the entire evening. And the weekend housed the rehearsal dinner and another night out, mani/pedis (I am not cut out for fake nails...less than a week later, they're gone), and the big day! The Bride looked incredible. Truly. She glowed. The room looked pretty good and I survived my toast, even getting a few laughs. I danced with both my husband and wife, and by the end of the night, it was a struggle to keep my eyes open. Wedding success. Pictures later.

And then it was over. The Bride returned home so I don't get to see her every day. And the planning is over so I feel a little lost. It's like when you get home from vacation and you get the blues because it's over. I have the post-birthday, post-wedding blues. I feel like I still should be getting ready for something but I'm done. It's done. Lisa and Jamie are married, I'm 35. There's been a lot of sighing over here. And it's not like I don't have things to look forward to. Game Of Thrones starts up again soon (make fun of me, I don't care, I read the books, it's my thing), I have 10th row seats to Lady Gaga, we have a wedding in May and in June (and if you know me, you know I love a wedding), and Lisa and I are going to Cancun in July. There are DEFINITELY things to look forward to.

But I still feel lost and overwhelmed, mostly by house, school, and self.

My house looks post-apocalyptic since I haven't had time to invest in keeping things straightened up. I've been a tornado the past few weeks. It's been grabbing and running and throwing and dropping. I hate living like this but right now, with feeling so sketchy and beat, I look at the mountains of laundry and just back out of the room, pretending it was a figment of my imagination. It's gross. And it makes me feel lazy. The kitchen is sticky, the living room is floor-to-ceiling toys and destruction. I just want to nap.

School is all-consuming since these are my last classes before I can enter the program and start clinicals. That's a lot of pressure since I need the best grades possible.. and it's a little intimidating, even though a lot of people in my classes are closer to my age than to post-highschool. I come from a family of late bloomers, career-wise, and I'm OK with that. I applied for my background check, was screened for titers, and got a TB test this morning. Next step, fingerprinting. And it all has to be done by next week!. Stupid deadlines. Pressure upon pressure. I'm a procrastinator. Some say I work best under pressure, but it's not really healthy.

The self stuff is the most annoying. The medication I'm supposed to be on for 6 months to a year to help my brain relax from the trauma of Spencer's treatment seems to have stalled. I'm not sleeping so well right now and I'm experiencing a little anxiety with no specific root cause at night. And I'm not feeling so great in my skin right now. I gained back some of the weight that I lost when I was at the hospital with Spence. I tried to set a little goal by the wedding but failed and that really made me blue. I'm stuck in this house or in front of this computer and it can get easy to eat poorly or snack a lot when you're busy, stressed, and confined to one space. I'm giving myself the weekend to goof off and then starting Monday, I'm getting back on track, and I'm taking Todd with me. My goal is to lose 20 pounds by July 1st and that's totally doable.

Today just really made me aware of how ick I was feeling because I was out in the world. I was really exhausted when I woke up, the kids weren't in the best moods, and I didn't get a chance to shower before the blood draw and my clothes weren't clean because I'm avoiding laundry... so I felt dirty and dumpy, which is not how I typically leave the house. I didn't have a babysitter so the kids had to go with me for my blood work. I struggled with the double stroller and the high winds made it difficult to push. Spencer's face was messy, I don't think I brushed my teeth, and Sully was particularly noisy. I was the picture of overwhelmed mom. And when I did get home...tornado city. I know it's just a day, or a week, and tomorrow, or next week, will be better.  I just hate feeling so exhausted and uncomfortable all around. It's for the birds.

Man, this was kind of a bummer of a post!

I need to give myself a pep-talk, pronto.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

It's Been A Long Time Since I Rock-n-Rolled: Welcome To 2014

Let's get right down to it. I just suck as a blogger anymore but maybe that's a good thing. This use to be an outlet to relieve stress or dispel extra energy, a place to spazz out whether things were good or bad. Maybe I've just reached some sort of level ground. I'm by no means stress-free. I've got a toddler who is in remission from Leukemia and has developmental delays (though he's kicking major ass because, well, he's awesome), I've got a baby who is a fireball/bulldozer/cuddly tornado and is always doing something little ham, a full-time student's workload, and a plethora of other things going on. There's stress coming out of every orifice...but it's not keeping me up at night. It's not pop-your-top stress. I know how to manage it. I've become a pro-multitasker and organizer. It's just life. It got busy.

And I'm definitely not saying I'm giving up on the blog game. It's part of who I am. It's just not the first thing I want to do every day, you know? Not a major priority. And it probably isn't what people want to read anymore, to tell you the truth. Lengthy, adjective-riddled stories about tortured romance, impending self-destruction, and youthful shenanigans are a thing of the past. But I don't care. I've never written for anyone but myself anyway. Although, ugh, some of the things I look back on and read...posterity isn't always everything it's cracked up to be! But I'm sure everyone rolls their eyes at themselves and their pasts. And if they don't, I'm sure they should. And I'm the authority on this, HA.

So here we go. How has 2014 been so far?

I rang in the new year with my boys, and I'm not talking about Spence, Sully, or Todd. We had all been knocked out by some sort of bug for what seemed like an eternity and Todd was taking care of the youngins after working long days as I recovered. The boys I'm talking about are Jax, Chibs, Juice, and Tig. Ah, Sons Of Anarchy, how I love you. When most of your time is spent mothering, taking care of the castle, and expanding your brain, keeping the gears turning, you don't get a lot of alone time to just BE. So at midnight, I just WAS while watching havoc be wrecked on Charming, California. And after one of my favorite family meals of the year, I saw some of my favorite people (SCHULIENS) and had my first adult bevy of the year: a Holiday Cookie Stout at Fathead's with friends. Perfect. That's how I plan to spend my year. Having good times with the people I love. Or at least those who also want to have a good time, too.

Spence kicked the year off on a good note. Everything regarding his health is going in the right direction which is a major relief. Actually, I don't feel as freaked out about a recurrence as I thought I would. Kind of shocking. I thought I'd be losing my shit over every bruise and sluggish day or long nap but instead, I've just enjoyed watching him sprout. He's come so far. Anyway, he was chosen by the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society to be one of 2014's Honored Heroes. His story will appear in some of their fundraising efforts and I'll quickly tell his story as the walk this year. It'll be perfect timing as the walk will fall right around his one year anniversary of remission. It's all pretty exciting. He's definitely my hero. And so many people helped us, it's time to start giving back.

After missing a semester, in the paraphrased words of Grease 2, I went back, back, back to school again a month ago. I'm really digging my Organic Chemistry class, as of now anyway. These are my last classes before officially being in a Nursing program. I got a report recently saying that all my requirements will be met at the beginning of May, short of fingerprints and a background check. It's really exciting and of course, terrifying. I've had a lot of big ideas over the years that never came to fruition. This one is actually happening. Something I want to do will be done from start to finish. By the end of next year, I will be a nurse. Yes, it will put my family in a much better place financially, but I truly think it will be another way for me to give back. I can help people and support them. I can do something meaningful. Something that actually matters. Maybe I'll help save your life one day. And besides, wearing scrubs is the closest I can come to working in my pajamas. It was nurse or ninja and I don't think the market for ninjas is really booming. Not in Brunswick, OH anyway.

Last week, we hit the 1 year anniversary of Spencer's diagnosis. It was a bittersweet day. And there will be a lot of painful anniversaries in the next few weeks but I just need to remember that we all survived it. Everyone's heads are still screwed on.  It's still really hard not to think of how awful it was. It felt like it went on for an eternity but really it flew by. It's been a year. 1 year ago today, Phoebe and I went downtown and had all my questions answered about Spencer's treatment. I was in preparation mode. Sometimes I feel like I'm still on the outside of my life looking in. Those odd moments are getting fewer and farther between these days. But last year was a terrible year.

And a terrible birthday. Our whole world was crumbling down around us last year. But I'm making up for it. I've only got a few days left before turning 35. I don't mind it. I'm glad not to in my 20s anymore. That whole time period of my life was just a tornado. Anyway, I'm leaving last year behind and starting over...with karaoke!! A bunch of friends are getting together at Yorktown Lanes (who were nice enough to have karaoke on a Saturday because they're AWESOME) to rock out (and eat bowling alley food which is arguably the best cuisine). Like I said, I want to be around good people who want to have a good time this year. I have high hopes for 35. High, high hopes.

 I'll try and make some time to post some pictures here this week. I know it's been awhile. And with that...bye for now.