Reading one of my wifey's posts pushed me to get my lazy fingers a-typing and wrap up this bummer of a year. She's trying her damnedest to make 2014 a year where she gets her positivity back and that's good for her. I support what she needs and wants. I just want vengeance in 2014.
But vengeance on what? On who?
2013 was by FAR the worst year of my life, not that 2011 and 2012 were all bright and shiny. Spencer was diagnosed with Leukemia, he spent 100 days in the hospital receiving and recovering from chemo, my family was separated and/or stressed from February to September, I missed out on a lot of time with Baby Sullivan, and we've all suffered major setbacks. The outcome was of course the best. Spencer is cancer free and we all get to move forward. It's supposed to be a healthier, happier year starting next week.
But I don't FEEL happier.
Yes, Spencer is better (outside of being down due to the plague that's going around), we're home, and the nightmare to end all nightmares is over. Todd and I survived having a baby with cancer AND an infant. We're all stronger, smarter, and made of steel, evidently. But are we happier? Or happy at all? I've always said it...a person can only be knocked down so many times before they don't get up again. This year may have chipped away at me in too many places. I feel fragile and furious simultaneously. And I want someone or something to blame for making me feel this way. I'm not as forgiving as I once was. My feathers are easily ruffled. I feel out of sorts.
But this is by no means 24/7. Every morning when I get my kids out of bed with their jammies all sweaty, hair disheveled, and dragon breath in full effect, my heart melts. When Spencer lays his head on my lap or Sully goes "Mmmmmmm" waiting for a smooch, it's amazing. People find love, happiness, fulfillment, contentment in a plethora of places...I find mine in these 2 knuckleheads that I created out of thin air. So my whining about feeling off has nothing to do with them or who they are. It's just that this stupid effing year knocked the wind out of me and rather than shake it off and get over it, I want to knock the wind out of something. I want payback. A payback that will never come. I'll never get this year back the way I feel we deserve it.
I've always told Carol that you need to feel how you feel when you feel that way. And looking at 2013 in the rearview, I feel mad. And I have to feel mad and then ditch it rather than burying it.
I don't know if any of this made sense but it is what it is. I'll be happy to see 2013 go but I'm not sure when I'll exactly be able to let it go.
To end on a positive note, I did have an amazing Christmas with my family and it was everything I hoped it would be. The bug up my can went into hibernation for about a week and I didn't take a single second for granted. I hope everyone in the Blog-o-Sphere has an amazing holiday, too. Well, almost everyone. Let's be honest.
I promise to be more available in 2014.