Friday, February 21, 2014

Overwhelmed: The Best, If Not Most Boring, Word To Sum Things Up

Yes world, I am 35. 35 and overwhelmed.

I don't mind the being 35 part. My 30s, though chock full of insanity, have actually been more fulfilling than my 20s. I celebrated turning 35 how I wanted to. Had dinner with my parents, Todd, and the kids on the actual day and then had an awesome time at karaoke with friends on the weekend. It was the first time Todd and I went out without the kids for something other than a wedding in a looooooong time. People drank, people sang (I rapped...Paul was awesome and exhausting), people danced. It was exactly what I spend time with people who wanted to have a good time. Success. Welcome to 35.

Post-birthday, everything became wedding-centric. I took my Matron-Of-Honor (or Iron Maiden-Of-Honor, as I chose to call myself) duties very seriously. Lisa could've chosen anyone but she picked me. That's the honor part. I was honored. So I did my best to make it a good experience for her, like my MOH did for me. It was a lot of work but it was so worth it. Maybe I did miss my calling. I loved all the extra time I got to spend with The Bride (I capitalize it as if we're watching Kill Bill). The night she arrived, we dropped our dressed off to be steamed and had dinner...and delicious Mai the venue. The next day, after all of Spencer's appointments, we had a Girls Night Out with some special guest stars. Dinner at Wasabi and tropical drinks at Porco and lots of gossip and reminiscing and chatter. And yes, I made her wear a veil the entire evening. And the weekend housed the rehearsal dinner and another night out, mani/pedis (I am not cut out for fake nails...less than a week later, they're gone), and the big day! The Bride looked incredible. Truly. She glowed. The room looked pretty good and I survived my toast, even getting a few laughs. I danced with both my husband and wife, and by the end of the night, it was a struggle to keep my eyes open. Wedding success. Pictures later.

And then it was over. The Bride returned home so I don't get to see her every day. And the planning is over so I feel a little lost. It's like when you get home from vacation and you get the blues because it's over. I have the post-birthday, post-wedding blues. I feel like I still should be getting ready for something but I'm done. It's done. Lisa and Jamie are married, I'm 35. There's been a lot of sighing over here. And it's not like I don't have things to look forward to. Game Of Thrones starts up again soon (make fun of me, I don't care, I read the books, it's my thing), I have 10th row seats to Lady Gaga, we have a wedding in May and in June (and if you know me, you know I love a wedding), and Lisa and I are going to Cancun in July. There are DEFINITELY things to look forward to.

But I still feel lost and overwhelmed, mostly by house, school, and self.

My house looks post-apocalyptic since I haven't had time to invest in keeping things straightened up. I've been a tornado the past few weeks. It's been grabbing and running and throwing and dropping. I hate living like this but right now, with feeling so sketchy and beat, I look at the mountains of laundry and just back out of the room, pretending it was a figment of my imagination. It's gross. And it makes me feel lazy. The kitchen is sticky, the living room is floor-to-ceiling toys and destruction. I just want to nap.

School is all-consuming since these are my last classes before I can enter the program and start clinicals. That's a lot of pressure since I need the best grades possible.. and it's a little intimidating, even though a lot of people in my classes are closer to my age than to post-highschool. I come from a family of late bloomers, career-wise, and I'm OK with that. I applied for my background check, was screened for titers, and got a TB test this morning. Next step, fingerprinting. And it all has to be done by next week!. Stupid deadlines. Pressure upon pressure. I'm a procrastinator. Some say I work best under pressure, but it's not really healthy.

The self stuff is the most annoying. The medication I'm supposed to be on for 6 months to a year to help my brain relax from the trauma of Spencer's treatment seems to have stalled. I'm not sleeping so well right now and I'm experiencing a little anxiety with no specific root cause at night. And I'm not feeling so great in my skin right now. I gained back some of the weight that I lost when I was at the hospital with Spence. I tried to set a little goal by the wedding but failed and that really made me blue. I'm stuck in this house or in front of this computer and it can get easy to eat poorly or snack a lot when you're busy, stressed, and confined to one space. I'm giving myself the weekend to goof off and then starting Monday, I'm getting back on track, and I'm taking Todd with me. My goal is to lose 20 pounds by July 1st and that's totally doable.

Today just really made me aware of how ick I was feeling because I was out in the world. I was really exhausted when I woke up, the kids weren't in the best moods, and I didn't get a chance to shower before the blood draw and my clothes weren't clean because I'm avoiding laundry... so I felt dirty and dumpy, which is not how I typically leave the house. I didn't have a babysitter so the kids had to go with me for my blood work. I struggled with the double stroller and the high winds made it difficult to push. Spencer's face was messy, I don't think I brushed my teeth, and Sully was particularly noisy. I was the picture of overwhelmed mom. And when I did get home...tornado city. I know it's just a day, or a week, and tomorrow, or next week, will be better.  I just hate feeling so exhausted and uncomfortable all around. It's for the birds.

Man, this was kind of a bummer of a post!

I need to give myself a pep-talk, pronto.

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