Thursday, January 5, 2012

Ouch: The Suckitude of Crying After NOT Crying For Awhile

You know what down right sucks sometimes? That you can't just live in a bubble, John Travolta-style. Living in the real world means you're going to see and hear things that illicit an emotional response. That's just how life goes. You can try and avoid things as much as possible but it's impossible, and it flat out sucks. And when you have something particular going on in your life, that "thing" seems to be EVERYWHERE. You can't avoid it. You never noticed it before but now you can't escape it.

Maybe I'm rambling. In fact, I'm pretty sure I am.

I saw something today, just a bit ago, that hurt my heart. It really shouldn't have. You would think about 5 months of being totally in love with your child, seeing something about their diagnoses or issues (though not directly about them) wouldn't hurt so much. Well, it kills, especially after trying so hard not to make it the main focus of your world. You just try to live and enjoy your kick-ass, sweet-faced baby and BOOM! You get punched in the brain by reality.

I haven't cried in several weeks and even my last tears were a fluke. I'm holding back a big, ol' cry right now but that makes my head and heart hurt worse. I'd sneak off to the bathroom and get it over with but that would be hard to hide. I wish I could make people understand why it hurts so badly from time to time. Why I don't want to be the poster-mom for certain things. But without expecting one thing, being blind-sided, and having your life DRASTICALLY change (yes, I know life changes when you have a child but you prepare for that and I did not prepare for this...I didn't know I had to), you can't understand. In a way, I'm very alone.

I've read a lot of things that say you have to take time to grieve for the child you lost...the child you were expecting. I have not and can not take time to grieve because it is not fair to the wonderful, amazing, kick-ass child I have that I wouldn't trade for anything. I refuse to grieve for what a THOUGHT he might be. He is who he is and he's 10,000 time better than anyone I know. I couldn't be as cool as him no matter what I did.

This may all be so random but you see things, they upset you, and you can either feel like garbage and bottle those bad feelings up or you can feel like garbage and get those feelings out of your system. I can't carry this home with me. I can't waste my Spencer time feeling blue. I won't.

I know that what I just saw (on Facebook, to be clear) was posted with the BEST intentions and I appreciate that. It wasn't even anything BAD, it was harmless and sweet. I've seen some things posted by acquaintances that lead them to be deleted by me. It's very possible that they don't know about our situation because I've kept a lot of it private. And everyone is entitled to their opinions and to make jokes about whatever they feel like. But I'm also entitled to choose what I want and don't want in my life. Some TV is off-limits now and my ears are like radar for certain words and topics. I wish I could just go off the grid but I can't. I have to do what I have to do to get through the days and go to bed as happy and satisfied as possible. I have to take care of ME, and most importantly, Spencer.

So I just needed to vent. And I definitely need to cry. Just for a minute.

"It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses" - Colette


  1. Damn you for making me cry. I wish I could hug your guts right now!

  2. You are so strong and so amazing. Don't ever forget that I am always going to be the one in your corner. No matter what.

  3. i love the quote posted at the end, there. it's so true. god... i cry over everything anymore. but ESPECIALLY over the sweet things, the beautiful things, the positive things. it's strange, learning to live in a new world where old words take on entirely new meanings.
    i'm vaguely certain i know what it was that made you cry, and it's something i think i even re-posted when i saw it, because it made me cry (in the Colette way) when i saw it, too.
    i hate that you have to be in pain and that your heart has to hurt over things you never realized would affect you so. i cannot begin to tell you how much your experiences, your words and your beautiful son have changed me and my life and my path for the better. and all i can say is, if i made you sad - i cannot apologize enough. i love you.