It wouldn't be the new year if something heavy wasn't crushing my brain!
Maybe some other mothers out there can shed a little light on this subject because thinking about it is causing headaches and possibly some vertigo. And really, my mind takes enough of a beating on a daily basis without my self-imposed help.
I'm trying to decide if I want to have another baby.
I always thought that I would have a big family. Honestly, back in the day when getting hitched and making babies was just automatically on the agenda, I thought I wanted to have 5, yes FIVE, kids. You can thank me later, vagina. And then I didn't want any at all because, let's be honest, I dated some of the most miserable people on this planet and probably some of the closer planets as well. Not exactly "parent" material so the idea was sort of off the table.
Then lo and behold (a phrase Steve Martin is trying to use more in 2012), I met a fella, we got married, and that maternal nagging was right up in my face. So we bred. And from our breeding came Spencer Lee Fonzarelli, probably the sweetest, goofiest little dude you'll ever meet. You would think that with a kid this fantastic, I'd want as many as I could bake and/or afford before my reproductive junk turns to dust. And here are my throughs, concerns, ponderings on the whole idea of breeding again:
1. Spencer is AWESOME and I love him 110% but as most of you know, things weren't exactly how we expected them to be. Screenings and tests durning pregnancy only show so much and we opted out of an Amnio because the odds or miscarriage were too high. And we ended up with an issue that is rarely missed. But it WAS missed. Despite any issues, Spencer rules the school. It's a matter of "Spencer has these issues AND he's awesome" not "Spencer has these issues BUT he's awesome".
However, if I could choose for him to just be your average, run-of-the-mill fella, I would, to make things easier on him. So that leads us to...what if Baby #2 has the same issues?? Sure, we can have an Amnio and a few tests that weren't available to us before but are NOW because we've established a "family history". But even if we found something out, what would we do? Because if we knew about Spencer's issues, would he be here now? I HATE thinking about that. He is my best pal and thinking about him not being in my life makes my gag reflex go berserk.
But having an Amnio would give us all the information and having all the information gives you all the power, so says my uncle. If we had known about Spencer in advance, maybe we could have been better prepared, better informed, and not felt like our world totally imploded. Part of me really doesn't even want all of this ISSUE #1 stuff here because, like I've said, I'm tired of reliving it. Still a little too fresh. But it's all something to consider when considering cooking up a new Gansert some day.
But let's move on.
#2. I love Spencer SO MUCH. How could I possibly split my love with another baby? I know parents do it all the time, otherwise everyone would be "only" children. And that's the thing. I really don't want Spencer to be an "only" child. I know he has an older brother but let's be honest, they're 10 years apart. Eventually, he's not going to have time to be nagged by his younger brother, he's going to want to vacation with his girlfriend, not his father, he's going to want to be out and about being a teenager and growing up. I'm not saying they won't have a brotherly relationship. Spencer already loves him. But it's a wide gap and I think Spence needs someone to grow up with. A pal. And Todd and I won't be around forever. He needs extended family. Of course, I would NEVER have another baby just for Spencer to not be alone down the line. I love him in a way I never expected so I can only imagine how much I would love another goofball we cooked up.
But, and maybe it's just because Spencer is still so little, I can't comprehend splitting my love. Or loving anyone else as much I love Spencer. Or WORSE, what if I was one of those wackadoo mother's who loved one baby more than the other?? It would be horrible in either direction...if I loved Baby #2 more than Spencer OR if I brought another baby into this wacky world and loved Spencer more than it. And what if I'm somehow descended straight from a demon and I love Baby #2 more because he/she ends up being your typical, run-of-the-mill, issue-free kid?? I COULD NEVER LIVE WITH MYSELF!
3. What is something WORSE happens to Baby #2? Because there are worse things out there than what Spencer has and has gone through. He was TUFF. He fought through it all. I don't believe in a lot of things. Especially anything spiritual or hippie-ish. But when we had Spencer, a lady (who I believe practices Reiki??) told my aunt that Spencer was trying so hard to get better because he wanted to go home with me and Todd. And wanted so badly for us to be his parents. And as I've puked all over you already, I love him. He's my FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WORLD. I was meant to be his mom. He was meant to be mine.
But there ARE worse things out there. What is something WORSE happens to Baby #2? I can still feel where my heart was ripped apart and punched on August 9th. Could I handle something worse? I could I make it through that? Could I continue to be as strong as I think I've been? Or would I pretty much disappear after that? Because I would be responsible for bringing that baby into the world and therefore responsible for anythign and everything that happens to it, just like I'm responsible for everything that Spencer has gone through and will go through. Uuuuuuuggggghhhhh, there goes my brain pains.
So that's the type of stuff that's been running through my head recently, especially with a few chicks around me having buns in the their ovens. You may think it's not something I need to think about now, but I do. I don't want to get any closer to 35. Sure, there really isn't anything magic about the number 35, according to my doc. But NOW, at 32 (almost 33), I'm already at risk for some shtuff based on Spencer's diagnoses. Being 35 just piles on a mountain of more worries and concerns.
More massage parlors needs to offer to work on the brain.
Although, I think brain masseuses are called Therapists.