Wednesday, January 4, 2012

To Breed or Not To Breed: Are My Womb and Brain In Cahoots?

It wouldn't be the new year if something heavy wasn't crushing my brain!

Maybe some other mothers out there can shed a little light on this subject because thinking about it is causing headaches and possibly some vertigo. And really, my mind takes enough of a beating on a daily basis without my self-imposed help.

I'm trying to decide if I want to have another baby.

I always thought that I would have a big family. Honestly, back in the day when getting hitched and making babies was just automatically on the agenda, I thought I wanted to have 5, yes FIVE, kids. You can thank me later, vagina. And then I didn't want any at all because, let's be honest, I dated some of the most miserable people on this planet and probably some of the closer planets as well. Not exactly "parent" material so the idea was sort of off the table.

Then lo and behold (a phrase Steve Martin is trying to use more in 2012), I met a fella, we got married, and that maternal nagging was right up in my face. So we bred. And from our breeding came Spencer Lee Fonzarelli, probably the sweetest, goofiest little dude you'll ever meet. You would think that with a kid this fantastic, I'd want as many as I could bake and/or afford before my reproductive junk turns to dust. And here are my throughs, concerns, ponderings on the whole idea of breeding again:

1. Spencer is AWESOME and I love him 110% but as most of you know, things weren't exactly how we expected them to be. Screenings and tests durning pregnancy only show so much and we opted out of an Amnio because the odds or miscarriage were too high. And we ended up with an issue that is rarely missed. But it WAS missed. Despite any issues, Spencer rules the school. It's a matter of "Spencer has these issues AND he's awesome" not "Spencer has these issues BUT he's awesome".

However, if I could choose for him to just be your average, run-of-the-mill fella, I would, to make things easier on him. So that leads us to...what if Baby #2 has the same issues?? Sure, we can have an Amnio and a few tests that weren't available to us before but are NOW because we've established a "family history". But even if we found something out, what would we do? Because if we knew about Spencer's issues, would he be here now? I HATE thinking about that. He is my best pal and thinking about him not being in my life makes my gag reflex go berserk.

But having an Amnio would give us all the information and having all the information gives you all the power, so says my uncle. If we had known about Spencer in advance, maybe we could have been better prepared, better informed, and not felt like our world totally imploded. Part of me really doesn't even want all of this ISSUE #1 stuff here because, like I've said, I'm tired of reliving it. Still a little too fresh. But it's all something to consider when considering cooking up a new Gansert some day.

But let's move on.

#2. I love Spencer SO MUCH. How could I possibly split my love with another baby? I know parents do it all the time, otherwise everyone would be "only" children. And that's the thing. I really don't want Spencer to be an "only" child. I know he has an older brother but let's be honest, they're 10 years apart. Eventually, he's not going to have time to be nagged by his younger brother, he's going to want to vacation with his girlfriend, not his father, he's going to want to be out and about being a teenager and growing up. I'm not saying they won't have a brotherly relationship. Spencer already loves him. But it's a wide gap and I think Spence needs someone to grow up with. A pal. And Todd and I won't be around forever. He needs extended family. Of course, I would NEVER have another baby just for Spencer to not be alone down the line. I love him in a way I never expected so I can only imagine how much I would love another goofball we cooked up.

But, and maybe it's just because Spencer is still so little, I can't comprehend splitting my love. Or loving anyone else as much I love Spencer. Or WORSE, what if I was one of those wackadoo mother's who loved one baby more than the other?? It would be horrible in either direction...if I loved Baby #2 more than Spencer OR if I brought another baby into this wacky world and loved Spencer more than it. And what if I'm somehow descended straight from a demon and I love Baby #2 more because he/she ends up being your typical, run-of-the-mill, issue-free kid?? I COULD NEVER LIVE WITH MYSELF!

3. What is something WORSE happens to Baby #2? Because there are worse things out there than what Spencer has and has gone through. He was TUFF. He fought through it all. I don't believe in a lot of things. Especially anything spiritual or hippie-ish. But when we had Spencer, a lady (who I believe practices Reiki??) told my aunt that Spencer was trying so hard to get better because he wanted to go home with me and Todd. And wanted so badly for us to be his parents. And as I've puked all over you already, I love him. He's my FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WORLD. I was meant to be his mom. He was meant to be mine.

But there ARE worse things out there. What is something WORSE happens to Baby #2? I can still feel where my heart was ripped apart and punched on August 9th. Could I handle something worse? I could I make it through that? Could I continue to be as strong as I think I've been? Or would I pretty much disappear after that? Because I would be responsible for bringing that baby into the world and therefore responsible for anythign and everything that happens to it, just like I'm responsible for everything that Spencer has gone through and will go through. Uuuuuuuggggghhhhh, there goes my brain pains.


So that's the type of stuff that's been running through my head recently, especially with a few chicks around me having buns in the their ovens. You may think it's not something I need to think about now, but I do. I don't want to get any closer to 35. Sure, there really isn't anything magic about the number 35, according to my doc. But NOW, at 32 (almost 33), I'm already at risk for some shtuff based on Spencer's diagnoses. Being 35 just piles on a mountain of more worries and concerns.

More massage parlors needs to offer to work on the brain.

Although, I think brain masseuses are called Therapists.


  1. I just re-read this and it says "WE" and "US" all over it. I know you're a part of it all, goof.

  2. IF you had the amnio, chances are that you wouldn't abort that far along. You would know the information in advance, but all the stress over the results couldve done more harm than help. Having answers doesn't always prepare you for what you may or may not experience, and life is full of surprises.

    Rather than base your decisions on what if's, go with fact. Fact is, you and Todd are awesome parents. You are strong, have survived many hardships, and are still in love. You don't need an amnio to tell you what you already know, that you can and will get through anything. If you decide to have more, just do as you did before and enjoy the pregnancy. Worry about things as they com.

  3. I wish it was that easy, I really do. Because I did love my pregnancy. But I've never felt pain like I did when doctors came in and started spewing medical jargon at us. Then they took him away and I didn't see him for 2 days. And then we lived at Rainbow for a week, every day someone else was giving us bad news. No matter how tough I am or how much Todd and I love each other...I just don't know if I can do all that again...which sounds uber-selfish. I need to go snuggle my buddy now. That always helps.

  4. I honestly feel that having a second baby should really be based on if you are financially secure enough. If you know that you can provide for Spencer with his special needs and can still afford to give the best to another child then go for it. Don't drive yourself crazy with the "what if's".

  5. I do agree with you. I think financial security is super important. Luckily, money isn't an issue. I know we'll breed again. I'm just so stuck in my own head.

  6. I am a firm believer that you have to get your feelings out, the worst thing you can do is bottle it up. I commend you for opening yourself up and getting your thoughts out with this blog. I also think you and Todd are stronger than you know both continue to live your lives with your heads up every day. You have not given up even when you thought you could not hear any more bad news...and that takes strength.

  7. I really don't know all the details of what Spencer's medical issues are; all I know is that he is an amazing kid, full of love and adventure. he is so lucky to have such an awesome family. i'm sure he'd love a brother or sister one day, too.

    i often think about those things, too. I don't want Graeme to be alone, but I cannot afford another child and it wouldn't be fair to Graeme right now.

    i treasure EVERY moment i have with him.

  8. here's what i think. you have ALWAYS, ever since the day i met you, been able to do ANYTHING. you, on your own, have survived SO MUCH and always come out the other end kicking and fist-pumping and being awesome. and then you found todd. and you two made this incredible team. and together you guys went through SO MUCH and together you came out the other end doing the effing tango and giving the world the finger with smiles on your beautiful faces. and then you had spencer. and all of that "SO MUCH" from the past seemed like nothing at all. all of the old heartbreaks and pains and fears and bad poo you'd ever been through, alone and together, became meaningless because spencer and his health, his needs, his issues... they became your priorities. and as painful as all of that experience has been, whether you see it or not (and i know a little something about not being able to see in yourself what others can see these days), you have been AMAZING. you've had grace. you've had strength. you've shown move love and more POWER than i've ever seen.
    you are remarkable, resilient people - and more than that you are remarkable, resilient PARENTS.
    and from where i am standing, there is no one on earth more suited to keep breeding. damn the odds. you are amazing. you can do anything. life is scary. but you've been kicking life's ass from the moment i met you and when it tries to fight back, you know how to knock it down and get your chin back up.
    i know you can do it if you want to. <3

  9. How'd I get so lucky to get a friend like you? You always know exactly what to say and I couldn't be more thankful for you. I should probably say that more often.