I despise the texture of my clipboard. If that's the only junk I have to deal with, an overly soft and somewhat woody clipboard, then today is going to be a good day. And as I've previously stated, I am determined to make the good outweigh the bad in 2012. So far, so good.
Spencer rolled over back-to-belly yesterday right on schedule = GOOD.
It really amazes me how good can come out of a rotten situation. A situation that you were positive fostered nothing but pain. I was reminded again recently just exactly how lucky I am to have the people in my life that I do. Sometimes, when that annoying black raincloud comes butting into my life, I start reliving what we've been through, letting the hurt back in, questioning myself, over analyzing, getting stuck in my own head. But my friends and family always seem to know what to say to pull me out of the murk.
A friend did this for me recently buy reminding me that I've survived a lot and will keep on surviving. And no, that friend was not Beyonce, despite the sentiments closeness to Destiny's Child lyrics. Somewhere in there she said I've handle a lot of junk with grace. I didn't really think that word would ever fit into my life, being the awkward spazz that I am. But I appreciated the confidence boost. Sometimes you just need to let someone be your backbone for a minute so you don't completely crumble. I have to let the walls down and let people support me, even if it's for a quick second so I don't spontaneously combust and/or implode one day.
I'm using the wise words of friends as affirmations when the going gets tuff:
"Having answers doesn't always prepare you for what you may or may not experience, and life is full of surprises. Rather than base your decisions on what if's, go with fact. Fact is, you and Todd are awesome parents. You are strong, have survived many hardships, and are still in love. You don't need an amnio to tell you what you already know, that you can and will get through anything."
"I also think you and Todd are stronger than you know ...you both continue to live your lives with your heads up every day. You have not given up even when you thought you could not hear any more bad news...and that takes strength."
"and as painful as all of that experience has been, whether you see it or not (and i know a little something about not being able to see in yourself what others can see these days), you have been AMAZING. you've had grace. you've had strength. you've shown move love and more POWER than i've ever seen. you are remarkable, resilient people - and more than that you are remarkable, resilient PARENTS. and from where i am standing, there is no one on earth more suited to keep breeding. damn the odds. you are amazing. you can do anything. life is scary. but you've been kicking life's ass from the moment i met you and when it tries to fight back, you know how to knock it down and get your chin back up. i know you can do it if you want to. <3"
"You are so strong and so amazing. Don't ever forget that I am always going to be the one in your corner. No matter what."
The wisest woman I know said that it's hard to see (and to accept) what other people see in you. She couldn't be more right. You have an idea of who you are and what you can do but usually you're capable of so much more. I'm glad I have the friends and family on my side that I do to keep pushing me forward or to pull me up when i need a little extra support. I know EXACTLY how lucky I am and I am not now and will not ever take these people for granted. Todd and I wouldn't have made it out those hospital doors without everyone keeping us glued together. Reminding us to put one foot in front of the other.
And look at how far we've come? We were having lunch with Spencer yesterday just living and loving life. We talked about how awesome he's doing and how we truly believe he's going to surpass everyone's expectations...and expectations are HIGH. Todd mentioned that there may be a little excess pressure on us since Spencer is constantly being monitored by various teams but he's right on course if not ahead in certain areas. The fact that we could sit there, talk about it all in a positive matter, and not fall into "Why did this happen to us?" or "Poor Spencer, poor us" was awesome. Little by little, things are getting easier. Day by day, less of me is stuck back at the hospital.
But we'd still be there without Team Spencer. And I know I'll never be able to give back what was given to us. A dear friend, the wise woman previously mentioned, has gone through her own personal circus but I haven't been able to be as supportive as I wish I could've been because I was still under my raincloud more than I would have liked. But kind words she sent to me, in the midst of her own garbage, were the last boost I needed to get over myself, straighten up and fly right. So now I plan on giving back by being a support system to anyone who needs me, starting with her, Spencer's Aunt Bizzle.
I'd much rather make a POST-cancer care package anyway. More fun!
I know I'll still get the blues. It's bound to happen. But thanks to the great people on our team, I know I can get through it, and that confidence is pretty damn fantastic. And if it's a bluer than blue day, I can always been cheered up...
...and at home.
Life is good. You heard it here first.
"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over" - Gloria Naylor