Monday, November 19, 2012

Back Down To Earth: Adrenaline Slowly Subsides

It's been a week since I blogged which is typically unheard of. Its not like I haven't had anything to say. I guess I've been hiding out. I'll be honest, things have been weird since we found out that Spencer doesn't have Leukemia (still loving the sound of that). We were so prepared for bad news and my adrenaline was so sky high that I've had a little trouble getting back to normal, whatever that is. Normal.

Phoebe told me that once all the commotion of her own cancer experience had leveled out...when there were no appointments, tests, results to wait for, etc...THAT is when anxiety took over. That's where I'm at. I still haven't filled my prescription but I'm thinking it's time I should. I'm feeling much better than I was last week but I still feel slightly ill. A lot happened and it happened fast. When it has to do with your child being in danger, yeah, it puts you through the ringer, body and soul.

I thought I would wake up Wednesday morning and everything would be great. Spencer would kick it with his pals at the sitter, Sully and I would lay low and get the bonding time I was so afraid of losing, and we could all just relax. But it didn't work out that way. Yes, Spencer had a fantastic day at the sitter's. Yes, Sully and I got to bond. But there was still a black cloud. A panic I couldn't shake. I felt like I should have been at some appointment or that I was waiting for some news. But after two horrific weeks, it was kind of over. Just like that.

But then again, it's NOT over. We don't know why the blasts are in his blood or why he has this abnormality. But no one is especially worried. We go to the clinic on Wednesday for our first follow-up blood draw and to discuss the results of the genetic screen (if they're in, maybe it's a generic abnormality). We'll also plan out how frequently he should be seen now as he's still at risk to develop Leukemia. We were sooooo close to going every 16 weeks. Le sigh.

Also giving me great anxiety is going back to work. I know I'm not going back until after the new year and don't get me wrong, I like my job and greatly appreciate it. But I am dreading going back. DREADING IT. But Todd and I discussed my school plan and said plan had me working another year so we can squirrel away extra money, tax returns, vacation pay, bonuses, in order to help when I'm not working for 12 months. I made the decision to take Kent State's pre-requisites (at Tri-C) and transfer into their Nursing program in Spring 2014. So until then, I'll be working and I'm dreading that because I don't want to leave my boys. But I don't want to obsessively think about that and waste the rest of my leave. I could cry thinking about it but I've don enough crying recently.

We have managed to have some good times lately. Going to lunch, having movie nights, kicking it with our awesome kids, getting ready for the holidays. Here and there, there have been mellow moments, we just need more of them. What we DON'T need is another episode like last night. Spencer was screammmmming out of nowhere and it sounded like he was hurt. But he was in my arms and it was pretty random. Then he just went limp!!! I gave him a little jiggle and he was alert again but I was FREAKING OUT. Todd thinks he screamed so much that he hyperventilated but it was TERRIFYING and I'll be bringing it up to his docs tomorrow. Poor guy.

So that's where we're at. Coasting, but not...

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