Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Heartbroken: The Holiday Season Goes Up In Flames

I'm heartbroken all over again.

Spencer's blood work last week made a tiny leap forward, as did my hopes, only to plummet at the clinic today. His platelets took a serious nosedive and the abnormal blasts are up to a lousy 3%. While his docs have considered him "stable" for 6 weeks, it's unavoidable. He has to have another bone marrow biopsy.

I haven't cried but I can feel it trapped in my chest. It will come out at the most inconvenient time, I'm sure. I was so happy last month when we got the good news that there was no Leukemia visible after the biopsy. I was able to enjoy Sully's baptism and a weight had been lifted. That weight is so much heavier now and I'm so upset and so angry.

I keep telling myself that the biopsy wasn't nearly as bad as I expected it to be (we were in the room from start to finish) but I still don't want him to go through it again. Maybe he's tough enough to handle it but his mom is feeling a little weak right now. His next appointment is a few days before I go back to work, and that should be when the next biopsy is scheduled. Super. I'll really be able to focus on being back at work.

I was already dreading being separated from my boys. And now my focus is distracted AGAIN from bonding with Sully. Poor little pot roast. All my attention should be on him. I should be enjoying him being a little baby. Before I know it, he'll be grown. I feel SICK thinking about it.

Everything about this makes me sick.

And I was so looking forward to Christmas. Now I wish I could fast forward through it so we can get on with things because I'm done living in limbo. People may tell me not think about it right now but how can I not? This isn't just something to forget about. There's a chance (again) that my son has Leukemia. He's been through enough. We've been through enough. I'm just...angry. I want to take this away from him. It should be me. He has enough on his plate, even if he doesn't know it.

But I have to at least put on a happy face temporarily so I don't miss out on Sully's 1st Christmas. I owe him something wonderful. Those 2 little dudes are the only things I can focus on right now.

I truly hate this.

I will keep you posted at this nightmare continues.


  1. My heart breaks for you.

  2. Fear ... unknown future ... heartbreak .... I'm so sad that these are the things you must deal with right now, and not just because it's the holiday season. You will be in my heart, with lots of mental hugs and PMA.
    Phoebe's Mum