Merry Christmas: I Think I'll Skip This One This Year

I spent a majority of the day with Spencer in the Rainbow Babies ER downtown. Not only was it a bummer because something wasn't right with Spencer, but I was really looking forward to today's holiday events. I missed Sully's 1st major holiday party. Maybe he won't remember but I will. And I'll remember that I spent my holiday season worried that my son is starting to show symptoms of Leukemia. I really just want to skip ahead to 2013 which will undoubtedly suck since Spencer is having a second biopsy. I'm not in a good frame of mind.

Spencer had a rash all over his body. Top of his head to his legs and everywhere in between. Rushed him to the UH Urgicare around the corner where his nose started bleeding (woke up with bleeding lips). Rash, bleeding and bruising are some of the main things we need to look for regarding his Leukemia situation so I was terrified. They spoke with the doc-on-call at his clinic and before I knew it, my sister and I were on our way downtown to the ER at Rainbow.

I insisted Todd take Sully to my aunt's house (which I was really looking forward to). This is his first Christmas and everything is about Spencer. Everyone insists he won't remember what happened or who he was with and where...but I will. It's bad enough that I'll remember 2012 as when Spencer was sick. I can't also remember it as the year Sully got screwed out of his 1st Christmas. It's just another thing making me feel like a failure.

Anyway, after 4 or 5 hours, an IV, blood work, and a gown, they determined he does have some of the Leukemia-related rash but that was NOT the bulk. They weren't 100% on what it was but were guessing it was a virus. His blood work showed that his blast count was the same but his platelets had dropped again, from 40 to 39. Since he wasn't in any pain and the bleeding had stopped (and was minimal), we were sent home to follow up at his next clinic appt on January 2nd. I'm guessing this whole ER situation might encourage them to do the second biopsy soon. I'm trapped in a nightmare, I swear. This is by far the worst Christmas Ive ever had.

We rushed home to prep for my immediate family's X-Mas celebration at my house but a dark cloud was over the day. Even though I worked so hard, it felt off. Everyone said they had a good time but I don't know. I was ready to break. This was the day I was looking forward to. The day I felt I could really turn my brain off but instead...Damn. Overall, Spencer was a champ. He was so good and so sweet. He got a Captain America hoodie and he earned it. He's my superhero (Sully got a Hulk hoodie...so rad). I could go on and on about how he doesn't deserve this and how scared I am but I'd just sound like a broken record at this point. My day was ruined but at least Spencer didn't need to be transfused (that was a possibility) or admitted. I guess I should be thankful for any rays of hope.

My heart hurts.