Sunday, January 6, 2013

First Post Of The New Year: Back To The Grind

I've showered, shaved my legs, painted my toenails, made my lunch, packed my bag...and said bag is filled with tissues and several bags of candy..., laid out my clothes, and set my alarm. So this can only mean I'm going back to work tomorrow. I just kissed both my boys and told them how much I will miss them. I've gotten weepy a few times today, I'm not going to lie. It's going to be so hard. I'm very envious of stay-at-home moms right now but I know that's not possible nor what they need. The next 20 weeks are about banking as much as I possibly can.

Which leads me to tell you that I put in my notice at work. My 20 week notice.

Starting after Memorial Day, I'll be going to school full time so Todd and I decided that I will just focus on being a student and a mom. Kent only accept like 30 students out of 100 applicants into their Nursing program so I need amazing grades. I need to be totally focused. Technically I'll be a full time student as of this Monday but all my classes are online so it's more manageable for me to work for now.

Thinking about not being at The Coast makes me very sad. My dad gave me a good job when I needed one and I enjoyed my 5+ years there. It will be weird not to see him every morning but I'm glad he understands. I want to be a nurse. I should've done this back when I was 18 but life doesn't always go how you plan, plus I was pretty foolish back then. So tomorrow starts my last 20 weeks as a Purchasing Agent. And while I'll miss my little dudes, I know that at the end of May, I'll have more time with them. It's exciting.

Though being unemployed for 18 months is pretty scary.

What else is scary? Being in limbo with Spencer's health situation. We went to the clinic on Wednesday and while his platelets have gone up a bit, they're still low. And there was a little swelling in his liver and spleen, some petechiae (rash related to blood disorders), and a little bruising. They mentioned doing the second biopsy at the end of this month or the beginning of next. We've been monitoring this junk since around Halloween so they're hoping to "put a name on it". Todd and I really believe they're waiting for Leukemia. I'm holding on to hope that we'll be surprised again.

Until they decide when the biopsy will be, we'll go to the clinic every other week. They told me that whether they discover something in 2 weeks or 4 weeks, the treatment wouldn't change and neither would there confidence in the success of the treatment. The timing is all about a smooth transition INTO it doesn't end up being an emergency or a rush. It's all scary and sucko and I just want to know what the Hell is happening with my little dude. This has gone on long enough. It's heartbreaking.

Also heartbreaking is that after 3.5 months, Sullivan is sleeping in his crib tonight for the first time. I'm trying not to think about it too much. It's time. Spencer slept in his crib from the day he came home. Part of it is the fear or something happening and part of it is knowing ill never have another little baby again. And part is the fact that he's still not really sleeping through the night. It was easier for me to just have him in a bassinet in our room. But tonight...he's a big boy in his own room. Sigh.

So I'm expecting to have a hard time sleeping and I'm expecting to have a rough day at work. But knowing Spencer will be having fun at the Rainforest with his aunt and Sully will be having some one-on-one time with his daddy makes me feel better. But I do hope they'll miss me at least a little. Selfish, I know.

Double sigh...

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