Monday, May 13, 2013

Round 3: Slow and Steady Better Be Winning This Race

Today is Day #13 and I'm struggling to keep my head screwed on...and I'm not even back at the hospital! I'm in my warm bed in my dark room with a loudly purring cat and a way too heavy brain. Spencer's numbers stillllll haven't dropped yet!! They were at 400 yesterday. 400! When they finally DO bottom out, how the Hell long with it take them to come back up?? Why is it taking so damn long this time?? Even the doctors said it is slow going. The longest we've been in the hospital in a row is 23 days. I fear we're going to see that come and go this round.

On Friday, we moved from Seidman back to Rainbow. Yes, it's older and smaller and not as fancy pants but I felt better going back. It's cozy. And the kids belong there. But before we moved, Spencer had what I always refer to as an "ass explosion"...but usually I'm talking about Sully. I put him in the crib to take a shower and when I opened the bathroom door, the room...oh boy, there was such a smell. His crib was covered in poo. Crib, toys, bedding, wall, floor...he was just stuck in the middle of a disaster. I didn't even know where to begin remedying this situation. I would've laughed if it wasn't so overwhelming.

So it turns out Spencer has C-Diff again. Just a reminder that this is the most common cause of diarrhea in the hospital. We all have C-Diff in out GI tract but being in the hospital upsets your natural flora and boom, ass explosion. It's most common in the immuno-compromised and the elderly. It's not great for Spence because we don't want him dehydrated. Luckily, he only has that one explosion and his antibiotics (which are both a cause and cure of C-Diff) will only be for a week rather than weeks and weeks like last time.

They've cut his fluids in half over night. This is probably for one of two reasons (I wasn't there when the call was made). Either he's drinking well enough to not need so much hydration or they think he's getting too full from the fluids and are trying to help his appetite. Either way, it's less time hooked up and more freedom. Though because of the C-Diff, he can't leave his room. Not that we're very social there anyway.

I'm not going to lie, and this really isn't news, but I hate being there. Besides any sweet moments I share with Spencer, I'm flat out miserable. I want our life back. I cried the entire way home on Saturday and then some, even though I was beyond thrilled to see Porkchop. He's getting so big and blowing milestones out of the water and I'm missing it (speaking of milestones, Spencer is making great strides according to Speech Therapy, adding Baby and Itsy Bitsy to his vocab and signing both More and Eat).

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I tried to make the best of not having my babies together. My dad came over early and the laundry room is officially done! And ANAZING. Then my niece and I went and bought new jammies for Spencer who is getting longer...his little belly is always hanging out at the hospital...and summer clothes for my lonnnnnnnng and solid baby boy. Then we stuffed our faces at the Melting Pot and got plants/flowers/patio chairs for the yard. Tradition. 

Sully made me a craft as Spencer did last year and I got a really beautiful note from Todd (along with some Blue Moon and a few Mother's Day raps, but that's another story). I also received some really sweet messages on Facebook that warmed my cold, black heart. Messages like these make you think you're actually doing an OK job and not failing as miserably as you feel. I've always tried to be honest about my family's current situation. I don't sugar-coat it and then I worry that I'm behaving selfishly or weakly sometimes, but I guess I'm doing OK! The people that matter to me think so anyway.

And the people who matter most are Spencer and Sullivan. I love them more than anything and anyone. They are the loves of my life, hands down. For whatever reason, I was lucky enough to be their mom. I wouldn't get to celebrate Mother's Day without them. And every day that I'm with them, I say, "I love you...every day of your life". If I'm not with them, I think it. They are what matters. They are my world and my purpose and as the corny saying goes, they are the only people who know what my heartbeat sounds like from the inside.

The only downside besides being short one son and a husband was that my baby seems to be sick. He was fussy for my parents at night while sleeping at their house and has some alienesque green slime pouring out of his face. He's sluggish and out of sorts. Hoping its related to teething and not something worse. He had a rough night and I'm hoping to stay with him today unless he drastically improves. Not because its one more night away from the hospital but I feel guilty enough missing so much Sully time...he needs his mom when he's sick.

As a really vain and unimportant closing, I'm down 7.5 pounds which is surprising as I felt sort if dumpy this week. I haven't gotten to run and I MISS IT. Haven't even gotten to walk because its cold (thank you, Ohio for being freezing during my free time) and I don't want to subject my little sicko to the elements. I have 2 months to meet my goal of losing 20 pounds and it seems more than doable if I keep being smart.

Anyway, if you have free fingers, keep them crossed that Spencer's drop and recovery speed up. I need my family to be together at home. It's no longer a want. It's a NEED. And I NEED to go get Sully out if his crib. My Buddha is singing for me!!!

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