Saturday, June 22, 2013

No Clever Title: A Little Bit Of Blathering Weirdness

I'm laying in bed. The boys are asleep. Todd is at work. I have a terrible headache that has carried over from yesterday. Yesterday was beyond strange and I even told Todd I feared I was having a stroke. I wasn't really joking. My behavior was out of the norm and a little bit concerning.

I was jumping in a quick shower when I noticed a blinking prism in my vision. If I shut one eye or both eyes, it was still going so I ruled out a vision issue. I had been blinking and squinting a lot but figured it was just my eyeglass prescription needing adjusting. As the day went on, I worried it was my brain.

Eventually the prism took a hike but I still felt off. While driving to a late lunch and attempting to talk to Todd, I could NOT focus. Not even focus. I couldn't get words out. I knew what I wanted to say but couldn't. I couldn't say certain words. Couldn't remember them. When we got to Fathead's, I got a table for 3 adults and... because I couldn't come up with the words for highchair or sling. If I wanted to really say anything, I had to speak verrrrrrry slowly and concentrate and the words would come out. Phoebe and Todd were finishing my sentences. It made me feel so lame. Like I was high. This went on for about an hour or two. I would start talking and drift off or just give up out of frustration. I LOVE to talk. TORTURE.

I ordered a soda which I hadn't had in 3 months and eventually regained my speech which leads me to believe it was a blood sugar thing. Friends suggested blood pressure, some retina thing, sun exposure, stress, stroke...and one has even been going through it herself! I've been dieting and exercising (down 11.5) so I could just be all out of whack. It could be a combo if things. I just know I had a soda and a sandwich and came around. Very concerning. The headache lingers.

Stress being an option was interesting. Yes, I've been under a lot of stress but so is anyone with 2 little ones. And honestly, I've been under a lot of stress since Spencer was born. And we've been doing this whole cancer/chemo thing since February. But for whatever reason, anxiety and stress are really suffocating right now. It's like I just found out my kid has cancer. I'm crying a little bit more, need more distractions, dislike being separated from my boys at all. I'm just going through something and can't quite get my head around it. And I feel lousy for feeling lousy because I'm just the mom, not the patient. It's selfish to be all "woe is me". 

Especially since life is actually so good right now! School is trucking along and by January, I'll officially be in Nursing School. Sully is kicking ass with his milestones...he'll be 9 months on Monday and walking any time. He's sweet and funny and just awesome. And Spencer life is AMAZING. He's been home for almost 2 weeks with 2 more to go. He's been continued with the great eating and drinking, still no throwing up or side effects, and despite getting platelets and blood this week, his numbers are now normal all on their own! Home has been the best medicine for him (which I plan to push regarding next round's recovery).

So why am I all stressed out and anxious and nuts NOW? I get feeling out of sorts while we're in hospital prison but we're home! I'm in my bed, my shower, my kitchen, my pool, my park, my grocery store, blather blather. Why am I feeling so intense?? I know we've been through a lot but so has everyone. A friend lost her mom. A friend is struggling with situations with a parent. A family member has struggled post-surgery. A friend had a tumor bigger than my KID removed from her body. So many people have stupid effing cancer!! And I'm sure I'm forgetting plenty of other horror stories. They just prove that our situation is not special. More and more, it's the norm to suffer and struggle. I just have to deal with it better or I'm going to blow this precious down time that we have.

I hate the word "precious". Ugh.

So I'm going to monitor my physical health situation and see how it goes. If anything iffy comes up again, I'll go see my doctor. I'm not leaving anything this weird to chance. My headache is starting to subside so maybe the fluke is over, I hope. Not sure what the day holds for me. Homework, I'm sure. Probably some pool time. Taking it easy. I would like to get some Cheesecake Factory in my life but I don't really see that happening. At this point, I can't believe it's 8:00 and I still have 2 sleeping babies! 

Maybe I'll shut my eyes again.  


  1. oh, that prism thing, that sounds like sinus pressure on your ocular nerves. i had that happen a few summers ago & thought i was having a stroke!

  2. You had your very first migraine. I had the EXACT SAME experience when I was 16 and thought I was about to die. My parents rushed me to my Dr. where I was diagnosed with migraines. Get some medication, because next time, when you start to see the flashy lights, that's when you take the migraine medicine because once the flashy lights go away it is pretty much too late to avoid the massive headache and other fun migraine side effects. So sorry you are experiencing that :(

    1. I had migraines when I was reallllly young. Don't remember them like this. I think it's a combo of things so I'm going to try to see my doc soon.