Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Round 5: Smooth Sailing As We Near The Docks

Congrats to my little sis, Jen, on her engagement. Super pumped for both of you!!!

Also, we crossed the 30,000 views mark in a year and a half. Not bad!!

Things have been going incredibly smooth (incredibly smoothly...no, that can't be right) during this round of chemo. Only in the last day or 2 has Spencer really started lagging as far as eating and drinking go. He's moody from time to time and a little sleepy but overall, things look great. He's kicking ass per usual and after things wrap up around noon tomorrow, we should be heading home. The countdown to busting out has begun! Two weeks here has been plenty. I went home for the weekend as I always do and while I count the seconds until I get to leave the hospital, I got misty-eyed in the elevator because Spencer gets left behind. Something I prematurely worry about for his life.

At home, I did get the Sully time I was craving! Besides ample play time and snuggling, I took him to his first Drive-In, we bought his birthday clothes from his Grandma, had a fancy lunch (bananas dipped in chocolate..yeah, he's into that now), and most importantly, I got to see him take his first steps! He took 3 unstable, quick, wobbly steps and looked like a baby deer or a drunk dude. 9.5 months old and on his way. Plus he's waving a lot and kissing. I didn't miss these moments! I got to share them with my baby.

I'm having a rough time, I'm not going to lie. There's something in my chest and in my head and my gut. Something looming. I know I'm on the verge of a breakdown which makes it more annoying. If I know it's coming, why can't I stop it? Why can't I do something to remedy the situation if I'm fully aware if it??  I'm not sure why it's happening now or what exactly is happening but it's happening. Even when I'm having a blast and laughing and enjoying myself, it's still coming. When he was officially diagnosed, I just threw myself into taking care of him and doing what needed to be done but didn't actually let myself feel anything right away. I was more vocal about hating the hospital than I was about hating that my son had cancer.

I don't really believe in talk therapy but I'll probably need to see someone when this is all done. Just to wrap my mind around everything that has happened and how our lives have changed. To prevent future breakdowns which there is total potential for since it's always a possibility that the cancer can come back. I'm told the fear of that never goes away and I dint want to live in fear. I need someone to help me sort out how I feel about my kid having special needs AND cancer, and me missing out on precious time with my baby, the last baby I'll ever have. No job, no control. It's a lot to take. I thought i was pretty tough, a doc here called me Super Mom, but something is looming. You don't imagine this is what life will be like when you're a little girl.

I love my life but it doesn't feel like my life.

It would be nice to get away.
Get on a train or plane and never look back.
Travel for days or weeks or months.
Watch as the seasons change.

But I could take you with me.
Just ask and I’ll take you with me.
And you can see those seasons too.
But from a different view.

"Travel Song" - Evelyn Burke

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