Friday, August 9, 2013

So Happy Yet Sort Of Sad: Mixed Emotions At The Same Time Every Year

I can't sleep. I need to empty my brain. I'm going to get the sad stuff out of the way to get to the good stuff, and it's really good stuff so I don't want it overshadowed. I'm eating a cupcake in bed just to try and mellow out.

2 years ago today was the worst day of my life. 2 years ago today was the day a doctor came into my hospital room and said that Spencer looked good but... But. I can still feel how long that pause felt and how my heart shattered, though I refused to believe what they said. Then life continued to fall apart as Spencer physically struggled and they took my baby away from me at not even 1 day old. I had him with me every day for 9 months and then he was gone. But the Spencer I expected was already gone.

Let me interject and say that the Spencer I have is AMAZING and I wouldn't trade him for the world. Thinking of not having this boy in my life is too painful to even ponder. I am so lucky to have him! I just didn't know it right away.

Every time that day pops into my head, I have to play out the whole scenario in my head. I can't bury it. I have to relive it in order to sort of let it go, at least for that moment. I was getting much better about the whole thing for awhile. I couldn't be sad about who my son is. I wouldn't be! He's AWESOME. But recently, here and there...I just keep worrying about the future. I can't keep him small and safe and protected from name-callers and bullies forever. 

Especially since yesterday he turned 2!!!

And that's where the happiness flows in. My baby boy, my best pal, my TODDLER! He turned 2 and we were not in the hospital for it! We may have had a rough start but the past 2 years have been incredible with him. He's so much like us. He's so silly and funny (or he thinks he is!), creative, stubborn, determined, interested, forgiving, sweet. He's full of love. And he's the most loved little boy (along with his redheaded, crazy brother, of course). I feel like he was just born and I feel like he's been around forever. It's cliche to say but I never knew I could love someone so much. 

My kids are the reason behind everything I do now. I had a pretty fun life before them and I'd probably have a pretty fun life if they didn't exist. But the life I have WITH matter how painful and challenging at INCREDIBLE. And they haven't just changed me. They've changed people around me, especially Spencer. He paved the way with people who weren't exactly "kid-friendly". When I saw the way Spencer was shocked when he saw Aunt Phoebe yesterday, practically leaning out of the stroller and doing a double-take...yeah, those 2 are friends for life. If you would've asked me 2 years ago if Phoebe would be willingly holding and playing with my kids, helping keep them safe and well-rounded...well, I prefer it this way!

So yesterday...8/8/11. I think Spencer had a really great birthday. And it was only phase 1 as his little family party is Sunday. His ANC is low so we had to be cautious about what we did. We decided to go to the county fair as it was free before 3. Being in his stroller in the fresh, sometimes animal-secreted air seemed OK. And a power outage in Brooklyn scored him some pals to tag along! 3 cousins, Aunt Phoebe, and his new pals Jess and Harper headed to the fair (along with Todd and Sully!!). It was a ton of fun. Spencer is CLEARLY into animals as he pointed at ALL of them...and even touched a goat. He split a strawberry shortcake with his brother and watched the pig races. Being the people-watcher that he is, this was right up his ally.

We headed home right before the storm and had some downtime before a few family members popped in to watch him open his presents and have a cupcake with the birthday boy. He was SO HAPPY! Especially when his new teepee (which projected stars around the top) was assembled. He. Loved. It. I encourage all parents to get one. It's a B Brand toy available at Target. So amazing. Fall/winter clothes, new musical instruments, a backpack for school, a new cork board, toys for chalking, and a little Minion made by Grandma. He loved it all but the teepee reigned supreme!

He didn't shy away from pizza and a Cookie Monster cupcake, that's for sure!

It was really a great day. Everyone was happy and smiling and laughing. And it wasn't insanity, which my life has felt like lately. The day just ran smoothly. Organically. I needed that because things are going to be straight chaos again. Wedding tomorrow (LOVE weddings), party Sunday, Spencer has an appointment Monday, clinic Wednesday, 2.5 crazy awesome busy days with the lovely Lisa (!!!), Granger Danger, and prepping to go back to the hospital to wrap this chemo bullshit up!!

Speaking of hospital stuff...

We've had 2 clinic visits since he came home. He got platelets once but it has been uneventful otherwise. His ANC is 10 so he's bottomed out. His platelets and hemoglobin are great so he's recovering. He's scheduled to start chemo next Wednesday but since his ANC has to be over 1,000 it is very unlikely. An extra week off seems to be the norm and I'll take extra time at home! But soon enough...we'll have nothing but home time!! And I will not take my home life for granted ever again! Mark my words.

I feel a little better so I think I'll watch Project Runway while I wait for my pals to wake up for some more summer fun!

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